26 October 2010


personal sabotage....ever done it? i caught myself in the midst of it this past weekend....

i was invited to a small gathering, where i really didn't know many people. it was slightly awkward as i was there by myself, but i still felt content and calm in the situation. as the event began to progress, i even remember taking a moment to thank God for the contentment i felt being there by myself.

and then it hit me....

i was there by myself.

so all this peace and comfort that God was giving to me, i began to turn it into something more.

i was sabotaging myself.

here God is controlling the situation, calming my heart, providing me with unlimited reassurance....
and i sabotage it.
my self-talk begins, uneasy feelings creep up inside of me, and the peace quickly slips away.

once again, it's me fighting God for control and


25 October 2010

witnessing love

have you ever been at a wedding and witnessed a certain magical connection between the bride and groom? now you might think that every wedding is magical in it's own way because of the love between the couple. but what i'm talking about is a certain oneness that is not always visible at wedding ceremonies...it something that's unspoken between the bride and groom, and it is so magical that they are connected in the most intimate way.

this was something i witnessed this summer.
it was breath-taking!
i felt honored and blessed to be apart of the evening.

and i vividly remember what God showed me that night.

another time was at a foot washing. and you know the scenario right? we wash the feet of others, as Jesus did for His disciples before His own death. it's a time to slow down, to show our appreciation....our gratitude.....our love for another. it's a humbling experience being on both sides of this. it's one of those stop and think moments, when you know that God is there working....connecting with you, and if you quiet your heart and mind just enough...

...you can hear Him.

i did
and i desperately wanted to hold onto that moment,
wanting to hear more words
and in a flash,
it was gone.

but i remember what God said.

22 October 2010

proverbs 3:5

"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

today, i'm focusing on those words, meditating on them, and to be honest, i can't get past the first word....trust


i think my hold up is that in this broken world that we live in, it's not easy to find a good example of how that looks...or how that feels. and that's sad to say.

so i spent some time trying to figure out what true trust looks like and what it would feel like. and yet i couldn't come up with a valid earthly example because everything i thought of had broken trust some where along the line.

the only one who is the true example of trust is God, plain and simple. He's never broken my trust, never failed me or left me. and even with God as the shining example, i still struggle with this passage.


because i'm looking towards the earthly, instead of the eternal.

i'm looking to the here and now, instead of things not of this world.

i want an earthly example of trust.

do you have one?

11 October 2010

where do you find your release?

today, i came home with a full head of thoughts; lots on my mind and the need to relieve some of it. you know, it was just one of those days....where you feel as though you're being used by God and then you feel tested at other times, all within the same day, hour, minute. it's that overwhelming feeling with the need to take your mind off of it.

so, i cleaned my bathroom.

say what?!?!

yes, you read that correctly, that's i was able to occupy my mind, even for a little bit.

i realized that instead of fighting God for the control in the here and now, i needed to find something i could control in my life. and i can definitely control the cleanliness of my bathroom. so i got my supplies and dedicated some time to making my bathroom look good. and i do feel better.

okay, so porcelain doesn't shine as well as it could, but it is clean. and i know that God's still got this and i'm not wasting my energy battling Him for power....because let's face it, i do that enough (just ask me about my restless night last night).

i also know that i invested my energy in a good way, so much so that it took mind off somethings...even temporarily.

so where do you find your release today?

05 October 2010

forgive myself?

i was rereading luke 17, specifically 17:3-4. Jesus instructs us to forgive those who sin against us....even when they repeat the sin. if they come back and repent, we are to forgive. and it doesn't matter if they ask five times or fifty-five times. we are to forgive the sinner.

forgive the sinner.

forgive the sinner.

...but how hard is it to apply it to ourselves?

because isn't it easier to carry our own baggage around than to let it go and be forgiven?
isn't it comfortable carrying that extra weight around on our shoulders?
feeling the strain of it on our lives?

satan constantly reminds me of my failures. and unfortunately i will hear his voice louder than God's.
yet, the same forgiveness i give to others i should give to myself....right?


because i don't deserve to carry it around more than anyone else.

it is something i need to ask God for and willingly accept.

it is something i am worthy of.

it is something i deserve.

why must i battle it then?

03 October 2010


it's sunday morning and i'm sitting blogging with a cup of coffee near by. my stomach has just woken up and is beginning to let me know that it's hungry. right now it's something that's just subtle, nothing that can't be ignored while i sit here finishing my thoughts.

and this got me thinking and wondering, "what are we all truly hungry for?"
and i'm thinking beyond the substance of food...

today, i can't put my finger on what exactly would fill me up. i pretty sure it's because i'm distracted by my to-do list today and everything that i want to accomplish....and i'm partly to blame as i'm not letting my heart and mind be quiet enough to figure it out.

and maybe it will be something that will come to me later in the day, when i least expect it. God does have a way of doing that....and as i type that a smile comes across my face, knowing that indeed that is how He works. He has planted the thought, now it's mine to cultivate.

so, i need to ask you, what are you hungry for?






what would fill you up right now, past the content feeling, to making you feel full?

i hope you find that today

01 October 2010


lately, i've been thinking about how critical i am of others, situations, and even myself. i have realized that i put on and wear a judge's robe without actually realizing or acknowledging the fact that i have it on. i can assume that role of a judge like none other.

from the little petty stuff,
to the critical comments,
to the bigger things in life,
to issues that are personal to me

i address them with my judge's robe on and gavel in hand...

and sometimes i don't even realize that i'm wearing the robe

or holding the gavel

...and it's got to stop...


"none of us has the right to condemn anyone" mother teresa