sometimes i wonder if i'm really talking to God or if i'm just making up the voices inside my head. how do i know if it's really God talking or just me filling in for what I want God to say to me?
take for instance tonight, i was praying and "heard" a response. the voice was telling me that it wanted to open my heart up, take away pain, and teach me to love and show that love.
so how do i know that it was God talking to me?!?
it's because i got that feeling in my chest,
behind my heart,
and it's knowing and having faith (hebrews 11:1).
but still sometimes i wonder...
28 May 2012
23 January 2012
blessings
isn't it something to receive an unexpected blessing?
and usually it doesn't matter the size of the blessing, big or small, it's just cool to receive it. for me it just makes my day and really can set the tone for the rest of my day and/or week. it's that feeling of knowing that everything is right as rain.
right
as
rain
then how come when i was just blessed was it not enough for me?
i was thanking God for the unexpected blessing i received out of one side of my mouth, while the other side of my mouth was asking why i didn't receive what was really on my heart.
it just wasn't enough for me. my heart was set on something else that i haven't been blessed with....yet.
so how do i get past that?
and usually it doesn't matter the size of the blessing, big or small, it's just cool to receive it. for me it just makes my day and really can set the tone for the rest of my day and/or week. it's that feeling of knowing that everything is right as rain.
right
as
rain
then how come when i was just blessed was it not enough for me?
i was thanking God for the unexpected blessing i received out of one side of my mouth, while the other side of my mouth was asking why i didn't receive what was really on my heart.
it just wasn't enough for me. my heart was set on something else that i haven't been blessed with....yet.
so how do i get past that?
21 January 2012
decisions
i was calling out to God,
looking for Him to be out in front of me.
looking
searching
seeking
and not finding Him.
where was He?
why wasn't He near when i needed Him?
why wasn't God responding to me?
and He was, just not where i expected Him to be.
He was right behind me,
right where He had always been.
i was the one that had moved, not Him. and all i had to do was turn around and go to Him, which is easier said than done. i wanted God to come to me and meet me where i was at. i didn't want to change. i wanted Him to.
so i need to decide,
do i move back to God and work with Him?
or not?
looking for Him to be out in front of me.
looking
searching
seeking
and not finding Him.
where was He?
why wasn't He near when i needed Him?
why wasn't God responding to me?
and He was, just not where i expected Him to be.
He was right behind me,
right where He had always been.
i was the one that had moved, not Him. and all i had to do was turn around and go to Him, which is easier said than done. i wanted God to come to me and meet me where i was at. i didn't want to change. i wanted Him to.
so i need to decide,
do i move back to God and work with Him?
or not?
11 January 2012
one word
is it me...
or have you noticed how some people seem to be driven by one word this new year.
you can tell me if it's me...
what i mean is that people are adding one word into their vernacular as a focal point and driving force behind how their going to live their lives this year.
and i have to admit, i even got caught up in it. i was trying to figure out what my word would be. i tossed a few around in my head, trying to figure out which one would be best.
and as i sat down to write this blog, i realized that i had it all wrong.
say what?!?
gasp!
yes, i had it wrong.
instead of having a special word lead me,
shouldn't i have the One lead me.
what's your one word?
or have you noticed how some people seem to be driven by one word this new year.
you can tell me if it's me...
what i mean is that people are adding one word into their vernacular as a focal point and driving force behind how their going to live their lives this year.
and i have to admit, i even got caught up in it. i was trying to figure out what my word would be. i tossed a few around in my head, trying to figure out which one would be best.
and as i sat down to write this blog, i realized that i had it all wrong.
say what?!?
gasp!
yes, i had it wrong.
instead of having a special word lead me,
shouldn't i have the One lead me.
what's your one word?
06 January 2012
a realization
i've realized that
sometimes i forget
or am unaware
of how much
the God of our universe
controls
and then
i'm gently reminded
i have noticed this time and time again throughout the week. it's as if i've gotten a quick glimpse of God in the little things in life. a reminder that He's there....as if i have taken it for granted or forgotten.
and maybe that was His point
to get me to realize the little things
and how He's in control of them.
all too often i focus on the big things in life and casually pass by the mundane and routine things. this week though, it's the routine and mundane things that caught my attention.
some may call it coincidence.
others may chalk it up to chance or luck.
i prefer to think of it as God gently reminding me
that He's in control.
sometimes i forget
or am unaware
of how much
the God of our universe
controls
and then
i'm gently reminded
i have noticed this time and time again throughout the week. it's as if i've gotten a quick glimpse of God in the little things in life. a reminder that He's there....as if i have taken it for granted or forgotten.
and maybe that was His point
to get me to realize the little things
and how He's in control of them.
all too often i focus on the big things in life and casually pass by the mundane and routine things. this week though, it's the routine and mundane things that caught my attention.
some may call it coincidence.
others may chalk it up to chance or luck.
i prefer to think of it as God gently reminding me
that He's in control.
18 December 2011
justifying
phew, if i had a nickel for every time i justified my behavior lately i would be a rich woman.
rich i tell you.
i behave a certain way (generally sinful) and then have an immediate bout of justifying it. it's become an automatic response.
a
stupid
sinful
automatic
response
and i wonder, who am i justifying my behavior for?
me?
others?
God?
God already knows what i'm doing and what i'm up to.
let's just be honest, He doesn't need my excuses.
so why do i feel it necessary to provide myself (and others) with the excuses?
wouldn't it be easier to just change the behavior?
maybe acknowledging it is the first step to changing it.
rich i tell you.
i behave a certain way (generally sinful) and then have an immediate bout of justifying it. it's become an automatic response.
a
stupid
sinful
automatic
response
and i wonder, who am i justifying my behavior for?
me?
others?
God?
God already knows what i'm doing and what i'm up to.
let's just be honest, He doesn't need my excuses.
so why do i feel it necessary to provide myself (and others) with the excuses?
wouldn't it be easier to just change the behavior?
maybe acknowledging it is the first step to changing it.
30 October 2011
precursor
today i heard the quote that "pain is the precursor to change" and i've been thinking about it thought the day.
it occurred to me that when you workout, pain can be involved and generally it is a precursor to a change in your body.
simple enough.
easy to understand.
but what about spiritual pain?
or what about emotional pain?
is pain like that still a precursor to change?
i think if it were easy to change, more people would regularly do it. heck, i would change more often. yet, it's the pain that hold people back...it holds me back.
i know sometimes i have to realize that i'm worth the fight and need to fight through the pain because the change is generally better than what's being experienced right now.
so, what painful precursor are you experiencing right now?
what change is coming in your life?
it occurred to me that when you workout, pain can be involved and generally it is a precursor to a change in your body.
simple enough.
easy to understand.
but what about spiritual pain?
or what about emotional pain?
is pain like that still a precursor to change?
i think if it were easy to change, more people would regularly do it. heck, i would change more often. yet, it's the pain that hold people back...it holds me back.
i know sometimes i have to realize that i'm worth the fight and need to fight through the pain because the change is generally better than what's being experienced right now.
so, what painful precursor are you experiencing right now?
what change is coming in your life?
16 October 2011
courage
sometimes i think that i don't have enough courage within myself,
to do something that i should,
to stand up for the right thing.
and why the doubt?
because it's easy and comfortable.
yet, when i tap into it,
it's an empowering thing.
it shows me what i'm capable of,
what i have been entrusted to do,
i need to be more courageous more often,
to break free from the expected.
to do something that i should,
to stand up for the right thing.
and why the doubt?
because it's easy and comfortable.
yet, when i tap into it,
it's an empowering thing.
it shows me what i'm capable of,
what i have been entrusted to do,
i need to be more courageous more often,
to break free from the expected.
15 October 2011
a convo with God
the other night i had a conversation with God.
as i began talking with God, i called out to Him.
He readily responded with, "yes, beth."
it was as if He was waiting for me.
is that possible?
and as i tried to explain myself to God,
He replied with, "yes, beth, i know."
there was no guilt or shame in His voice.
just complete understanding and grace.
and as quickly as the conversation started,
it was over.
i tried to hold onto the moment,
the time together,
the conversation.
and now a few days later,
i can only remember certain parts.
the part that gives me peace is that He was there,
right when i needed it.
He heard my call
and answered it.
as i began talking with God, i called out to Him.
He readily responded with, "yes, beth."
it was as if He was waiting for me.
is that possible?
and as i tried to explain myself to God,
He replied with, "yes, beth, i know."
there was no guilt or shame in His voice.
just complete understanding and grace.
and as quickly as the conversation started,
it was over.
i tried to hold onto the moment,
the time together,
the conversation.
and now a few days later,
i can only remember certain parts.
the part that gives me peace is that He was there,
right when i needed it.
He heard my call
and answered it.
06 October 2011
a compliment
the other day, one of my middle schoolers said to me,
"when you smile and my head is down, i can hear how happy you are in your voice."
it was the sweetest,
most genuine
statement.
it felt like a hallmark card was just given to me,
wrapped up in the voice of a preteen.
i don't know if she'll ever know the impact she made on me.
and i think it's amazing how a simple compliment
cannot only influence your day,
but even the days to come.
"when you smile and my head is down, i can hear how happy you are in your voice."
it was the sweetest,
most genuine
statement.
it felt like a hallmark card was just given to me,
wrapped up in the voice of a preteen.
i don't know if she'll ever know the impact she made on me.
and i think it's amazing how a simple compliment
cannot only influence your day,
but even the days to come.
04 October 2011
weeds
weeds could seriously be my demise. they seem to grow exponentially in a matter of hours. and why?
to irritate me?
to make me work in the soil and get dirt under my fingernails?
to allow me to wear stylish gardening gloves?
as i'm outside this afternoon, spending time tilling the soil and pulling weeds i started to think about God.
it was quiet,
calm,
and peaceful.
and i started to watch my hands as they were pulling out the weeds.
the small ground cover.
the tall ones disguising themselves as grass or flowers.
ones with strong roots.
ones with weak roots.
then i began to wonder if this is how God feels about clearing out my life.
He pulls away the small ground cover of sin.
He takes away the tall sins disguising themselves.
He tugs on the sins with strong roots, grabbing what He can
..and sometimes there are roots left behind
because i just can't let them all go.
He pushes aside the sins with weak roots.
and i thought about how God has to come back into my life,
time after time,
to clear away my weeds.
some weeds unfortunately never get totally cleared away,
while others are gone, never grow again in my life.
and it's not because God added some magical weed killer to it.
it's because when i give it to God, He takes care of it.
and when i hold onto those roots,
God will come back with His gardening gloves on and try again,
taking with Him what He can.
because just like my garden area, i'm a work in progress
to irritate me?
to make me work in the soil and get dirt under my fingernails?
to allow me to wear stylish gardening gloves?
as i'm outside this afternoon, spending time tilling the soil and pulling weeds i started to think about God.
it was quiet,
calm,
and peaceful.
and i started to watch my hands as they were pulling out the weeds.
the small ground cover.
the tall ones disguising themselves as grass or flowers.
ones with strong roots.
ones with weak roots.
then i began to wonder if this is how God feels about clearing out my life.
He pulls away the small ground cover of sin.
He takes away the tall sins disguising themselves.
He tugs on the sins with strong roots, grabbing what He can
..and sometimes there are roots left behind
because i just can't let them all go.
He pushes aside the sins with weak roots.
and i thought about how God has to come back into my life,
time after time,
to clear away my weeds.
some weeds unfortunately never get totally cleared away,
while others are gone, never grow again in my life.
and it's not because God added some magical weed killer to it.
it's because when i give it to God, He takes care of it.
and when i hold onto those roots,
God will come back with His gardening gloves on and try again,
taking with Him what He can.
because just like my garden area, i'm a work in progress
03 October 2011
fear
what do you do with fear?
for me, there's not an easy answer.
because if you're the one dealing with it, you know how it feels to be a prisoner of that fear.
it holds you in chains.
binds you.
controls the way you function and relate to others.
affects the decisions that you make.
and it just there...
fear
and so what do you do?
you can let the fear control you. the cycle remains and just keeps repeating itself because there's nothing different to break the pattern. and the fear is content, uninterrupted, and comfortable.
but you're still stuck with this fear...
...or you can realize that it's time to do something about it.
as difficult as it is to make a slight change.
to take a chance.
to possibly risk it all.
and you pray
you pray for courage.
the courage to give your fear over to God.
the courage to set fear aside and step out of your comfort zone.
courage to know that you don't have to live in bondage; to know that there is a plan and purpose for you and your life.
and you can be free.
for me, there's not an easy answer.
because if you're the one dealing with it, you know how it feels to be a prisoner of that fear.
it holds you in chains.
binds you.
controls the way you function and relate to others.
affects the decisions that you make.
and it just there...
fear
and so what do you do?
you can let the fear control you. the cycle remains and just keeps repeating itself because there's nothing different to break the pattern. and the fear is content, uninterrupted, and comfortable.
but you're still stuck with this fear...
...or you can realize that it's time to do something about it.
as difficult as it is to make a slight change.
to take a chance.
to possibly risk it all.
and you pray
you pray for courage.
the courage to give your fear over to God.
the courage to set fear aside and step out of your comfort zone.
courage to know that you don't have to live in bondage; to know that there is a plan and purpose for you and your life.
and you can be free.
21 September 2011
ocean waves
have you ever noticed how ocean waves, when the repeated come ashore seem to polish rocks to something that's silky smooth? it's those rocks that you love to run your fingers over because of how the ocean has transformed them.
last night as i was laying in bed, listening to my noise machine that has ocean waves, talking with God, i began to feel this process...the process that God is doing the same to me as He does to the rocks in the ocean.
the wave comes in and washes over the rocks and sand, ever so gently. it pulls back pieces of sand and other debre. it's that repeatative motion of the waves coming in and out that help.
He is polishing me into something better, something more desirable for His kingdom.
19 September 2011
grace
today i was asked, how would you define grace?
after some time and thought, i decided that...
grace is knowing you get to try again tomorrow.
so now i ask you, how would you define grace?
after some time and thought, i decided that...
grace is knowing you get to try again tomorrow.
so now i ask you, how would you define grace?
18 September 2011
psalm 46:10
"be still, and know that I am God." psalm 46:10
today, i was out picking up a new book and ended up buying a pen with this bible verse on it. it was perfect because it's currently one of my favorite bible verses. and the pen is black, so it was obviously made for me.
on a serious note though, this bible verse is something i personally struggle with. and i'm not talking in a minute way. you see, i can't get past the first two words.
be still
be still
be still
how exactly does one do that?
be still
to stop and breathe.
relax and listen.
sometimes, i think that the only time i can "be still" is when i'm in meditation mode at yoga... and even, then i don't think i'm completely still.
relax and listen.
sometimes, i think that the only time i can "be still" is when i'm in meditation mode at yoga... and even, then i don't think i'm completely still.
and maybe that's the point of this being on my heart today and popping up on a pen for me to see.
i can begin focus on being still.
and maybe, just maybe that will help me to know God
16 January 2011
a pink polar fleece vest
recently, i bought a polar fleece pink vest. i know, it's mind-boggling to think that i purchased something other than black. when i first got it, i wanted to wear it all the time...seriously! it was cozy, warm, a new, bright color for me, and went well with black. man, it was just something i really enjoyed. plus, i got a great deal on it, which made me want to wear it even more. it was as though i reverted back to being a kid when i got a new shirt and wanted to wear it all the time.
do you remember doing that?
then i began to think how my relationship with Jesus can be like that pink, polar fleece vest.
at least for me, there are times when i can't get enough of Jesus. i want to spend as much time as possible with Him, listening to Him, praising Him, being with Him. and it's just like when i got that new vest. i couldn't get enough of it.
gradually though, my thrill of the pink vest will be replaced with something else, as seasons change and something new will catch my attention. the vest will be moved into my closet and maybe even pushed to the back from time to time. i know that's it's there and not going anywhere. it will be there when i want to wear it again.
and truth be told, the same will happen in my relationship with Jesus.
something new takes me away from Jesus.
and i take comfort (and too much confidence) in knowing that He'll always be there,
even when He's buried in the back of my closet with the vest.
do you remember doing that?
then i began to think how my relationship with Jesus can be like that pink, polar fleece vest.
at least for me, there are times when i can't get enough of Jesus. i want to spend as much time as possible with Him, listening to Him, praising Him, being with Him. and it's just like when i got that new vest. i couldn't get enough of it.
gradually though, my thrill of the pink vest will be replaced with something else, as seasons change and something new will catch my attention. the vest will be moved into my closet and maybe even pushed to the back from time to time. i know that's it's there and not going anywhere. it will be there when i want to wear it again.
and truth be told, the same will happen in my relationship with Jesus.
something new takes me away from Jesus.
and i take comfort (and too much confidence) in knowing that He'll always be there,
even when He's buried in the back of my closet with the vest.
15 December 2010
frustrated...with myself
truth be told, i'm frustrated.
mostly with myself.
and i'm to blame.
i can get past the not blogging in over a month. i don't like that i haven't made time for it, but the only way to change that is to do something about it now. so i am.
but what i'm really frustrated with is how i handled a situation. you see, i was out shopping on black friday doing my thing, getting gifts, having fun, and reaching my level of overstimution and hunger....at 10am. i'm looking around trying to get a couple more gifts...
remember, i'm overstimulated and hungry at this point.
so, i'm standing in what would be my final store and notice a former co-worker from at least 10 years ago. not only were we co-workers, we were also close friends. friends that hung out on the weekends, had similar interest, even traveled together.
and i made a conscience decision not to say anything to her.
i go about my business doing my own thing, knowing that she's in the same store just inches away from me and continue not to say anything. because after we pass by each other a couple times it gets more and more awkward and you wonder if at that point you should even say anything.
i end up leaving the store without the perfect gift and feeling like a complete idiot for not even saying hi.
because what did I have to lose???
the answer is simply....
nothing
and now i'm left feeling frustrated and thinking that i missed out...
mostly with myself.
and i'm to blame.
i can get past the not blogging in over a month. i don't like that i haven't made time for it, but the only way to change that is to do something about it now. so i am.
but what i'm really frustrated with is how i handled a situation. you see, i was out shopping on black friday doing my thing, getting gifts, having fun, and reaching my level of overstimution and hunger....at 10am. i'm looking around trying to get a couple more gifts...
remember, i'm overstimulated and hungry at this point.
so, i'm standing in what would be my final store and notice a former co-worker from at least 10 years ago. not only were we co-workers, we were also close friends. friends that hung out on the weekends, had similar interest, even traveled together.
and i made a conscience decision not to say anything to her.
i go about my business doing my own thing, knowing that she's in the same store just inches away from me and continue not to say anything. because after we pass by each other a couple times it gets more and more awkward and you wonder if at that point you should even say anything.
i end up leaving the store without the perfect gift and feeling like a complete idiot for not even saying hi.
because what did I have to lose???
the answer is simply....
nothing
and now i'm left feeling frustrated and thinking that i missed out...
26 October 2010
sabotage
personal sabotage....ever done it? i caught myself in the midst of it this past weekend....
i was invited to a small gathering, where i really didn't know many people. it was slightly awkward as i was there by myself, but i still felt content and calm in the situation. as the event began to progress, i even remember taking a moment to thank God for the contentment i felt being there by myself.
and then it hit me....
i was there by myself.
so all this peace and comfort that God was giving to me, i began to turn it into something more.
i was sabotaging myself.
here God is controlling the situation, calming my heart, providing me with unlimited reassurance....
and i sabotage it.
my self-talk begins, uneasy feelings creep up inside of me, and the peace quickly slips away.
once again, it's me fighting God for control and
He's
not
going
to
fight
back
i was invited to a small gathering, where i really didn't know many people. it was slightly awkward as i was there by myself, but i still felt content and calm in the situation. as the event began to progress, i even remember taking a moment to thank God for the contentment i felt being there by myself.
and then it hit me....
i was there by myself.
so all this peace and comfort that God was giving to me, i began to turn it into something more.
i was sabotaging myself.
here God is controlling the situation, calming my heart, providing me with unlimited reassurance....
and i sabotage it.
my self-talk begins, uneasy feelings creep up inside of me, and the peace quickly slips away.
once again, it's me fighting God for control and
He's
not
going
to
fight
back
25 October 2010
witnessing love
have you ever been at a wedding and witnessed a certain magical connection between the bride and groom? now you might think that every wedding is magical in it's own way because of the love between the couple. but what i'm talking about is a certain oneness that is not always visible at wedding ceremonies...it something that's unspoken between the bride and groom, and it is so magical that they are connected in the most intimate way.
this was something i witnessed this summer.
it was breath-taking!
i felt honored and blessed to be apart of the evening.
and i vividly remember what God showed me that night.
another time was at a foot washing. and you know the scenario right? we wash the feet of others, as Jesus did for His disciples before His own death. it's a time to slow down, to show our appreciation....our gratitude.....our love for another. it's a humbling experience being on both sides of this. it's one of those stop and think moments, when you know that God is there working....connecting with you, and if you quiet your heart and mind just enough...
...you can hear Him.
i did
and i desperately wanted to hold onto that moment,
wanting to hear more words
and in a flash,
it was gone.
but i remember what God said.
this was something i witnessed this summer.
it was breath-taking!
i felt honored and blessed to be apart of the evening.
and i vividly remember what God showed me that night.
another time was at a foot washing. and you know the scenario right? we wash the feet of others, as Jesus did for His disciples before His own death. it's a time to slow down, to show our appreciation....our gratitude.....our love for another. it's a humbling experience being on both sides of this. it's one of those stop and think moments, when you know that God is there working....connecting with you, and if you quiet your heart and mind just enough...
...you can hear Him.
i did
and i desperately wanted to hold onto that moment,
wanting to hear more words
and in a flash,
it was gone.
but i remember what God said.
22 October 2010
proverbs 3:5
"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
today, i'm focusing on those words, meditating on them, and to be honest, i can't get past the first word....trust
trust
i think my hold up is that in this broken world that we live in, it's not easy to find a good example of how that looks...or how that feels. and that's sad to say.
so i spent some time trying to figure out what true trust looks like and what it would feel like. and yet i couldn't come up with a valid earthly example because everything i thought of had broken trust some where along the line.
the only one who is the true example of trust is God, plain and simple. He's never broken my trust, never failed me or left me. and even with God as the shining example, i still struggle with this passage.
why?
because i'm looking towards the earthly, instead of the eternal.
i'm looking to the here and now, instead of things not of this world.
i want an earthly example of trust.
do you have one?
today, i'm focusing on those words, meditating on them, and to be honest, i can't get past the first word....trust
trust
i think my hold up is that in this broken world that we live in, it's not easy to find a good example of how that looks...or how that feels. and that's sad to say.
so i spent some time trying to figure out what true trust looks like and what it would feel like. and yet i couldn't come up with a valid earthly example because everything i thought of had broken trust some where along the line.
the only one who is the true example of trust is God, plain and simple. He's never broken my trust, never failed me or left me. and even with God as the shining example, i still struggle with this passage.
why?
because i'm looking towards the earthly, instead of the eternal.
i'm looking to the here and now, instead of things not of this world.
i want an earthly example of trust.
do you have one?
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