sometimes...

sometimes i wonder if i'm really talking to God or if i'm just making up the voices inside my head. how do i know if it's really God talking or just me filling in for what I want God to say to me?

take for instance tonight, i was praying and "heard" a response. the voice was telling me that it wanted to open my heart up, take away pain, and teach me to love and show that love.

so how do i know that it was God talking to me?!?
it's because i got that feeling in my chest,
behind my heart,
and it's knowing and having faith (hebrews 11:1).

but still sometimes i wonder...

blessings

isn't it something to receive an unexpected blessing?

and usually it doesn't matter the size of the blessing, big or small, it's just cool to receive it. for me it just makes my day and really can set the tone for the rest of my day and/or week. it's that feeling of knowing that everything is right as rain.

right
as
rain

then how come when i was just blessed was it not enough for me?

i was thanking God for the unexpected blessing i received out of one side of my mouth, while the other side of my mouth was asking why i didn't receive what was really on my heart.

it just wasn't enough for me. my heart was set on something else that i haven't been blessed with....yet.

so how do i get past that?

decisions

i was calling out to God,
looking for Him to be out in front of me.

looking

searching

seeking

and not finding Him.

where was He?
why wasn't He near when i needed Him?
why wasn't God responding to me?

and He was, just not where i expected Him to be.

He was right behind me,
right where He had always been.

i was the one that had moved, not Him. and all i had to do was turn around and go to Him, which is easier said than done. i wanted God to come to me and meet me where i was at. i didn't want to change. i wanted Him to.

so i need to decide,
do i move back to God and work with Him?
or not?

one word

is it me...
or have you noticed how some people seem to be driven by one word this new year.

you can tell me if it's me...

what i mean is that people are adding one word into their vernacular as a focal point and driving force behind how their going to live their lives this year.

and i have to admit, i even got caught up in it. i was trying to figure out what my word would be. i tossed a few around in my head, trying to figure out which one would be best.

and as i sat down to write this blog, i realized that i had it all wrong.

say what?!?
gasp!

yes, i had it wrong.

instead of having a special word lead me,
shouldn't i have the One lead me.

what's your one word?

a realization

i've realized that
sometimes i forget
or am unaware
of how much
the God of our universe
controls
and then
i'm gently reminded

i have noticed this time and time again throughout the week. it's as if i've gotten a quick glimpse of God in the little things in life. a reminder that He's there....as if i have taken it for granted or forgotten.

and maybe that was His point

to get me to realize the little things

and how He's in control of them.

all too often i focus on the big things in life and casually pass by the mundane and routine things. this week though, it's the routine and mundane things that caught my attention.

some may call it coincidence.
others may chalk it up to chance or luck.
i prefer to think of it as God gently reminding me

that He's in control.

justifying

phew, if i had a nickel for every time i justified my behavior lately i would be a rich woman.

rich i tell you.

i behave a certain way (generally sinful) and then have an immediate bout of justifying it. it's become an automatic response.

a
stupid
sinful
automatic
response

and i wonder, who am i justifying my behavior for?
me?
others?
God?

God already knows what i'm doing and what i'm up to.
let's just be honest, He doesn't need my excuses.

so why do i feel it necessary to provide myself (and others) with the excuses?

wouldn't it be easier to just change the behavior?
maybe acknowledging it is the first step to changing it.

precursor

today i heard the quote that "pain is the precursor to change" and i've been thinking about it thought the day.
it occurred to me that when you workout, pain can be involved and generally it is a precursor to a change in your body.
simple enough.
easy to understand.

but what about spiritual pain?

or what about emotional pain?

is pain like that still a precursor to change?

i think if it were easy to change, more people would regularly do it. heck, i would change more often. yet, it's the pain that hold people back...it holds me back.

i know sometimes i have to realize that i'm worth the fight and need to fight through the pain because the change is generally better than what's being experienced right now.

so, what painful precursor are you experiencing right now?
what change is coming in your life?